Runner-up Winner of The Ultimate Silly Submission (of DOOM!) Contest

Judging has concluded for the The Ultimate Silly Submission (of DOOM!) contest, which asked our blog readers to compose an outlandish cover letter/submission package. We received several excellent submissions, and judging was difficult. If you didn't place this time, please submit for future contests! To our two winners: congratulations and enjoy your free one-year subscription to HFR!

The runner-up winner is Tania Katan. Congratulations Tania! Enjoy reading, and be sure to check back tomorrow for the Grand Prize winner!

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TWO WHOM IT MAY CONCERNED!

It is with great enthusiasm (and a little bit of vodka) that I am writing to express the fact that I would like to write a book for your publishing house whose name I just forgot. OH it's, no, that was the vodka. Here’s the deal, I don't NEED to write a book, no burning desire or any of that shit, but I feel like it's time for me to write my memoirs. Memoir. Both of them. Ok, really it's my husband who wants me to write a book, which is weird considering I'm a lesbian, so I don't really need to listen to my made-up husband. But I thought you might be one of those publishing houses who likes heterosexual women more than lezzies, you know? I mean, I subscribe to the New York Times, I read the Book Review, the only lezzy ever on that list is Suze Orman and I’ve got way better hair than her 80’s LPGA bi-level situation.

Let's face it, it's tough to be a lesbian author who doesn’t like writing but wants to be a best seller, you know? But I want it. Bad. Ly. Hell, I'd even give the Executive Editor at Penguin a hand job if I knew he’d publish my mewha! Oh, she’s a chick? Well, you know I can rock that sweet wheat grass, if you know what I mean! Speaking of hand jobs, I'm good with my hands. I can make anything from an Ikea book-shelf to tea to writing a really great book!

Look, we both know that publishing at your publishing house is WAY beneath me, but since I minored in Social Work I think publishing with you guys would be like banking some bucks in the big Karma Account!

Thank you for your time. I can't weight to start writing! I think I’ll start writing next month, because I’m a little overwhelmed write now with some relationship issues. Like, I fucking hate this guy who works at the grocery store where I buy all my laxatives. Who the fuck is he to comment on the contents of my bag?? Just pack the bag, NICK. What? Nobody has ever seen 23 pounds of chocolate Ex-Lax and a birthday cake before??

Oh, just in case you’re askin, 6-figures is the LOWEST I’ll go.

Your friend (and maybe lover, if you can 7-figures),

Tania Katan